We often give great advice to other people—but struggle to follow it ourselves.
When a colleague comes to us with a challenge, we can usually separate the facts from the story, ask thoughtful questions, and help them find a constructive path forward. But when we’re the ones under pressure? Our perspective disappears, emotions take over, and our thinking feels like reality.
In this episode of Culture Bites, host Dominic Gourley explores one of leadership’s most practical skills: coaching yourself.
Using Human Synergistics’ Situation + Thinking = Response (S + T = R) model, Dominic explains why creating distance from our own thinking helps us make better decisions, have more constructive conversations, and respond rather than react.
You’ll discover practical self-coaching techniques that help you:
- Separate facts from interpretations.
- Challenge unhelpful thinking patterns.
- Gain perspective when emotions are running high.
- Make decisions your future self will thank you for.
- Respond more constructively in difficult situations.
Whether you’re leading a team, navigating conflict, or simply caught in your own head, this episode offers practical questions you can use immediately.
Subjects Discussed
- Why we’re often better at coaching others than ourselves
- The importance of creating psychological distance from challenging situations
- Human Synergistics’ Situation + Thinking = Response (S + T = R) model
- Separating facts from interpretations
- How our thinking shapes our responses
- Three practical perspective shifts for self-coaching
- Moving from reaction to constructive response
- Why being honest and realistic is more effective than being your own worst critic
- Practical ways to improve decision-making and emotional regulation
Key Insights
We coach others better because we have perspective.
When someone else is facing a challenge, we naturally ask thoughtful questions, consider alternative explanations, and help them think clearly. When it’s our own situation, emotion, ego and history often cloud our judgement. Self-coaching is about creating the same distance we naturally have when helping someone else.
The story we tell ourselves shapes our response.
The Human Synergistics model Situation + Thinking = Response (S + T = R) reminds us that we don’t simply react to situations—we react to the meaning we attach to them. Learning to separate the facts from our interpretations gives us more choice in how we respond.
Honest and realistic beats harsh self criticism.
Many people believe being their own worst critic helps them improve. In reality, harsh self-talk often creates defensiveness, avoidance and self-doubt. Effective self-coaching isn’t about ignoring mistakes or pretending everything is fine—it’s about evaluating ourselves honestly, realistically and constructively.
Perspective creates better decisions.
When we’re emotionally caught up in a situation, every problem can feel urgent and overwhelming. Deliberately shifting our perspective—whether through another person’s eyes, a future timeframe or a different vantage point—helps us see options that weren’t obvious before.
Small shifts often create the biggest breakthroughs.
Self-coaching doesn’t always require a dramatic mindset change. Sometimes the most constructive move is as simple as asking a different question, taking a walk before responding, writing your thoughts down, or sleeping on an important decision.
Curiosity is more useful than judgement.
Whether coaching ourselves or others, replacing assumptions with curiosity leads to better outcomes. Asking “What else might be true?” or “What am I missing?” encourages more balanced thinking and more constructive conversations.
The goal is a constructive response – not the easiest response.
Self-coaching isn’t about avoiding difficult conversations or making everyone happy. It’s about choosing the response that best achieves what matters while maintaining productive relationships. The constructive path often sits between avoidance and confrontation.
Self-coaching is a leadership skill.
Leaders spend significant time coaching and developing others, yet often neglect the conversations they have with themselves. Building the habit of stepping back, examining your thinking and intentionally choosing your response is one of the most valuable leadership practices you can develop.
Key Self-Coaching Questions
Shift Your Point of View
- What would I tell a friend or colleague if they were in this situation?
- If I were in their shoes, what might I be thinking?
- What would someone I admire do in this situation?
- If someone new started this role tomorrow, what would they notice or do differently?
Shift Time
- Will this still matter in a day, a week, a month, six months or a year?
- If everything worked out as well as it reasonably could, what would be different?
- Five years from now, what decision will I wish I’d made?
- What would my younger self remind me of?
Shift Location
- If I stepped onto the balcony and looked down on this situation, what would I notice?
- What patterns am I missing because I’m too close to the problem?
- What changes if I physically step away before responding?
- What happens when I write my thoughts down instead of keeping them in my head?
Resources Mentioned
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If you enjoyed this episode of Culture Bites:
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Got a question for a future episode? Email us at podcast@human-synergistics.com.au